There was an unfamiliar wet substance falling onto the parched brown grass of St Columbus College for the annual Handbags tournament. The curator had done a magnificent job manicuring the outfield of the school’s second pitch and the players surprisingly arrived on time. Captain Tan planned to bat first to avoid the outfield wetting the ball but lost the toss, only for Merrion captain Tim to elect to field anyway. So Dalkey Archives started the Handbags tournament how we finished last year - not winning but somehow still ending up winners.

Merrion club captain Ronan mentioned at the end of the day that they had been blindsided by the Cavaliers advising them if they did not win this 2026 Handbags tournament, they would not be invited for 2027. So the pressure was on Merrion, who named their strongest team for this first match of the day. And it was quite an insult to hear them whispering that this was the game they had pencilled in as a win - against Dalkey Archives - the 2025 champions no less!

It was the first of more than a few slights from the highly regarded (by themselves) Merrion team, whose umpiring seemed far stricter than a standard Taverners match, and far stricter than how the Dalkey Archive umpires policed the tight wide lines during the first innings. Steve opened with Simon but was bowled in the first over for a disappointing (quacking) duck. Werner quickly made up for the team's disappointment, compiling his regular rapid 20, before  Gordon was unluckily run out by an accurate direct hit. Ramam was caught skying a shot for an unexpected 7, similar to the captain’s dismissal in the late game, a shot to which he’s still asking himself why he didn't crunch it along the ground? Although it also brought the first hint of umpiring controversy, with the catcher quickly dropping the ball during his catch celebration. Archivers umpire Bennett – in true Taverners spirit - gave the Merrion fielder the benefit of the doubt and awarded the catch, although the laws of the game do suggest the benefit of the doubt should go to the batsman – more on this later.

Dalkey Archives Captain Tan was worried about a repeat of last year's first match disappointment. That was until the Director Simon Mills proved his unwavering reliability, steadying the ship with a well compiled 20 to anchor the innings. The Director proved that running more than singles was the key on this pitch, whilst also providing an almost credible excuse not to have to bowl later. After Ben fell cheaply skying one back to Merrion's all-too-tall and all-too-fast left-arm South African import Will, Captain Tan and Shailesh managed swift 20s before Gareth was bowled cheaply, with Stewart rounding off the innings with some vital runs in the last overs. Russel also remained not out, adding a further run to the ferret's ever-climbing career average.

Captain Tan was quietly confident with Dalkey Archives’ very solid 155, knowing that maintaining a run rate of 8 for the final 10 overs is easier said than done in Taverners cricket.

Merrion's three opening batters raced to a fast start, not helped by Captain Tan somehow selecting the wrong end to bowl the first ten overs! The plan was to keep the downhill boundary to the offside for the first half, but the dopey captain chose the opposite, so his plan of using the slower bowlers early looked rather dim-witted. Indeed, the first 8 overs were spent picking the ball up from the downhill boundary, until Gareth's tight line and length slowed the momentum. There were some half chances though. Captain-behind-the-stumps-Tan was slow on some stumping half chances, and a ball flew over Steve's head in front of the square leg boundary, that could have been caught had he leaped up one handed - and he was a professional playing in the IPL! Russel also had a sharp caught and bowled hit back to him, but he saved his geriatric back by not bending to catch it, instead sacrificing his geriatric shin to save a run.

It took Shailesh to generate the first wicket, with a sharp throw to run out Merrion's no. 4 Sunesh. Werner, Stewart, Shailesh and Ben bowled tight lines, and the Merrion run rate began to slow. They managed the 8 per over at the start of the innings, needing 7 between over 15 and 17. But it wasn't until Steve was handed the ball that the Captain's strangulation tactic began to work, with Merrion requiring 26 from the final 3 overs. Making up for his disappointing opening batting stay of only 3 balls, Steve managed a stumping and catch in his first over, then a caught behind in his second. Ending with the impressive figures of 3 for 12 off 2 overs (with a smart catch in between).

It was during Steve's first over that Captain Tan took offence at another (perceived?) Merrion slight. Their umpire remarked mid-over to the captain at square leg that he was "behind the line" and would be no-balled next delivery. Standing just outside the ring, the captain thought he meant he needed to be inside the circle so stepped inside, only for the square leg umpire to immediately call a no-ball. When the captain questioned why, he explained that he'd delivered a warning, and that the law was clear; Law 28.4 of the Laws of Cricket (thanks Google) ‘the fielding team cannot have more than two fielders (excluding the wicket-keeper) positioned behind the popping crease on the on side (leg side) at the exact instant the bowler delivers the ball.’ When Captain Tan responded that he wasn't aware of said law, the Merrion umpire rather condescendingly elaborated that this had been a law since body line (circa 1932!), and that if he wanted to captain in cricket he should familiarise myself with the laws. Captain Tan wanted to ask which law allowed a batsman not-out first ball, or about Law 33 (thanks again Google), where if a fielder throws the ball up or drops it during a premature celebration before establishing total control, the catch is deemed incomplete and the batter is not out  - Herschelle Gibbs in the 1999 world cup anyone? But the captain has learned the hard way - many years ago - that arguing with referees, umpires, bosses and wives rarely improves results.

Between Steve's overs, Captain Tan took the responsibility of bowling at the death with 1 for 2 off his first, so that Merrion would require 15 off the final over. This is when Merrion pulled off another slight - hooking no. 9 Martin for a slowly made 6 to bring on wicketkeeper and no. 11 Ajay. The already stroppy bowling captain was (probably a little) petulant complaining that Merrion were bringing on a baseball-style pitch hitter, and questioned whether Ajay was entitled to the first-ball-free-hit. Of course, replied the same umpire who witnessed Don Bradman battling away in 1932, again explaining that a Captain should know the rules of the game (again, first ball not-out anyone?). Captain Tan replied it really wasn't in 'the spirit of  the game' - something Australians like the captain feel very strongly about, just like Alex Carey running out / stumping Jonny Bairstow (did he learn this from Dalkey Archives' regular keeper Jamie?), not bowling under-arm, and of course never using sandpaper on a cricket ball. Ever.

With anger burning up Captain Tan's collar, he steamed in for the final over, deleting the first-ball-free with a dot, and bowling no. 11 Ajay on the fourth delivery, finishing with 2 for 4 off his 2 overs. It was then that Merrion attempted a final slight; asking if the "retired" Martin could return, to which Captain Tan quickly replied no (translation P.F.O or Please Feck Off), so the match was over, with the Archivers' imposing 155 proving too much for the overconfident Merrion CC, who managed just 143.

Captain Tan was extremely satisfied, bursting the Merrion belief that they'd win the first game easily, taking particular satisfaction squeezing the above umpire’s hand – although holding back from saying “sorry we won’t see you in 2027”. Could Dalkey Archives retain the trophy from here? Stay tuned for Russel-the-ferret’s match report on game 2 to find out.

[Written by Will Tan]