Cricket is a passion, not some cold-hearted, scorebook dominated rational exercise. So, in the aftermath of a match, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason. What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

It would be a lazy bit of analysis to say, “no Stewart Reay, no Dalkey Archives”, and that’s just the sort of analysis I believe I contribute to the taverners’ cricket cultural sphere (or is it the cultural oval?). Two paragraphs in and I already don’t know what I’m doing, which brings us to the Dalkey Archives.

Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel, the Parthenon Sculptures, the DMC DeLorean (DC-12) rear-engine, two-seater sports car. Great art just moves you, like this game. Dalkey Archives (as is written in their almost-certainly-non-existent constitution) have continually lifted the entertainment bar each season to a height where it seems impossible to improve on. Then they do it again.  In an age when people keep telling you that cricket is terrible and dying, it’s worth reflecting on the fact it keeps delivering classics like this.

The opening game of the season had the Archives’ committed players as excited as a petrol station owner who just heard the Strait of Hormuz has closed again (the DACC absentee list is already longer than some of the later Harry Potter books, but without the happy ending).

For a brief period it looked as though Greystones’ Phil Carless (no, he doesn’t need a lift) was going to make his debut for DACC, finally fulfilling his lifelong dream of playing for a decent cricket team.  Carless would be experiencing all sorts of new things; Teammates who like playing cricket, catches that are taken, applause and Pimms & lemonade.  Alas, he was a late withdrawal to be replaced by Sajamon.

DACC batted first in order to give the late arrivals (i.e. muppets who fail to plan well enough) time to arrive.  NKCC tore the DACC batting lineup apart like a group of Americans at a cruise ship buffet. It was brutal to watch. Richard (16), Shailesh (2), Deepak (1), Jamie (an almost unprecedented duck), Conall (12) & Saj (8) were all back in the pavilion, or the lovely grassy area just outside the pavilion, in quick succession. Conall, the birthday boy, was the victim of a misunderstanding about Taverners’ rules, expecting as he was a free hit after a no ball. For the other low scorers there was less of an excuse, although much of the bowling was excellent. Captain Wade reacted to this rash of dismissals by giving his returning batters a huge spray. I rate sprays on how many veins in a person’s neck I can see. I counted six, which is good but not elite. I once saw Nick Bennett have eighteen.

DACC supporters wondered why Captain Wade doesn’t have a plan B, or C, or for that matter, a plan A. Happily though, for the NKCC a game is never under control. The worrying thing for them is their opponents are only too aware of this and no team ever gives up against NKCC. Nothing teaches resilience more than playing NKCC. Every national primary school should get to play them.

Then the DACC got moving, with the urgency of a college student the night before an assignment is due. Enter Werner (20*), Simon (20*) & Ramam (22*).  Werner was scoring runs, it definitely wasn’t pretty, but he was scoring runs. Simon inched to retirement, partly thanks to the most remarkable of drops (Perhaps the worst thing for NKCC on the opening game of the season at their home ground was watching a man who debuted when Charles Haughey was Taoiseach and The Benny Hill Show was still on television run rings around them). Ramam tried to bat like Viv Richards in his prime.  It was like seeing a Llama breakdance. Unexpected but pleasing to see and his innings finished with Dalkey’s only 6.

There was Simon and Ramam running amok, Werner winding back the clock all the way to 2025 and a crowd that was losing its mind. Gordon (7*) and Wade (2*) closed out the DACC innings in style, with Gordon the beneficiary of a withdrawn appeal, allowing him the chance to bat out the 20 overs. Dalkey scored 125. A defensible total, although the North Kildare ground has seen scores of 150 before.

Conall opened the bowling innings, his first ball was a wide … the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Shailesh dropped an absolute sitter of a catch off Conall’s bowling … the expression “hands like a digital watch” was muttered. But little damage was done: a few balls later the same batter and bowler afforded Werner the opportunity to take a screamer of a low catch in the outfield, a tricky one that was dipping, with all other DACC players thinking “thank God it went to Werner because there is no way I would have caught it.”

It was an absolute roller coaster ride throughout the innings. The pressure was at “doing karaoke at a work function while the boss is watching and your office crush, who was getting really into you, but this could blow it” levels.

Wickets kept falling (5 NKCC batters were dismissed in single figures). Shailesh is a very smart guy, the sort of guy who quickly learns from his mistakes, he has potential, he will go far.  He redeemed himself by taking and actually holding onto a catch off the bowling of Simon (a rank full toss). Deepak took two wickets, one bowled and one C&B.

By the middle overs, the game was edging in Dalkey’s favour, although the Director put down a not particularly difficult caught and bowled chance that might – with hindsight - have been the winning of the match: the batter went on to retire. Nevertheless, a high scoring rate in the early overs had abated in the face of steady wicket-taking and very tight bowling.

The sun was setting, creating growing difficulties in the field: Gordon took a catch in the deep … on the second attempt (but hey, who’s counting? … the scorebook just indicates that he caught it, it doesn’t mention the number of attempts). That he took the catch looking into the setting sun provides an unimpeachable excuse for the juggling.

Gordon’s catch, and a comedy run-out well executed by Jamie, meant that it came down to the final wicket, the final over and then the final ball.  Would the NKCC tailenders survive Gordon’s onslaught to score the winning runs?  If I mention that the sun was setting it would be a complete porky pie, the sun had well and truly set: the fielders seeing the ball was now a matter of chance, although younger eyes than the skipper’s might have spotted the ball that trundled by him at mid-off. The bowlers could not have turned over their overs faster but even so, the official sunset time was 8:41pm and Gordon was bowling his final over at 8:59pm, by the light of just under half a moon.  This was day/night cricket without the floodlights.

NKCC hit a one bounce boundary four off the final ball of the game to secure a memorable victory.

I guess not completely capitulating is something, but it feels like telling a bunch of junior infants they’re all winners for showing up. In the end it was a fine team performance: everyone contributed something, with ball or ball, or in the field. Some of the close fielding was heroic and there were none of the free boundaries that characterised the 2024 version of this always-enjoyable fixture.

The bottle of wine could have been awarded to any of Werner, Simon or Ramam but as Raj, the NKCC spokesperson so eloquently put it “Werner was the only one of the three who didn’t get clean bowled on the first ball … and he took a fantastic catch”.

Sometimes you need to just enjoy something like this. It’s why we love the game, even if NKCC did win.

(Special mention to Alex Twomey for his “contribution” to writing this match report, and to Simon Mills for proofreading and improving it with actual scores from the scorebook).

[Written by Wade Taylor]