As the last two attempts to fulfil this fixture had been thwarted by the repeated failures of the home team to turn up, first at all and then at the right ground, the Archivers headed down the sclerotically clogged N11 to Bray on a warm Friday evening with modest expectations and various alternatives up their sleeves. With Bray Wanderers F.C. due to play Finn Harps F.C. at home at 7.45pm, some Burdock’s fish’n chips washed down with a pre-match pint in the front garden of the nearby Hibernia stood out as a particularly nice way to start the bank holiday weekend.

Imagine our surprise when we then found the home team kitted up and ready for action at 5.50pm. While Captain Bennett Dilley-dallied in the changing rooms with death bowler and kamikaze runner Taylor, who was returning to the fold after a one year absence, Tan took over, lost the toss and demoted his captain to number 11 in the batting list. Unsure whether to view this as a fait accompli or coup d’état, Captain Bennett took it in his stride and accompanied Taylor out to the middle as the second umpire. The chatty Tasmanian had lost none of his desire to be at the centre of the action.

The ever-reliable Tratalos started well with a boundary in each of the first 2 overs, while Hill maintained a 100% strike rate with 3 singles. However, danger man Matt breached his defences with a speedy yorker at the beginning of the third over. Incoming batsman Tan sensibly saw out the over with just a single added, leaving Dalkey on 17-1 going into the fourth over.

Fully aware of his new partner’s hitting ability, Tratalos adopted a more conservative outlook, keeping the run rate ticking over with a succession of firmly hit singles and twos on his way to yet another retirement. Meanwhile Tan tucked into Frank with a cleanly hit six, followed by 2 more boundaries off David, as he charged to a top-scoring 23.

Supreeth continued the carnage with 2 sixes and a four in an 8-ball retirement, while Thomas took a more sedate approach, scraping his way to a 15-ball 6 before being cruelly run out. The bowler’s follow-thru had already taken him to within spitting distance of Lappin when the Englishman inexplicably called a single off a light dab back to the bowler. Maybe a more seasoned campaigner would’ve told Lappin where to go, but Thomas obediently sacrificed himself. Amazingly enough, his strike rate of 40% was not to be the lowest of the innings …

Fortunately, Lappin redeemed himself with some fine batting that saw him strike 3 boundaries on his way to the fourth retirement of the innings. He did particularly well to survive the dangerous Ashish who was swinging it both ways.

After hitting a four and a six, Shailesh was poised on 17 to become the fifth retiree when he failed to connect with a full toss that descended from the clouds onto his stumps. Quite why square leg umpire Tan didn’t call it a no-ball we will never know. Maybe it was out of compassion for the battered home team? Or maybe he was busy plotting a coup somewhere?

Coming in at no.8, Mohan was heading in the same direction when the following incident happened after he had struck 3 boundaries in an 11-ball 18. Sometimes the author has to bow down to the authenticity of the lived experience, so it is my pleasure to present his partner’s description of Mohan’s dismissal in his own inimitable Tasmanian way:

“I was batting with Mohan at the time. He tapped the ball down just in front of himself and for some reason known only to himself and his distant relatives residing on a far away planet in a neighbouring galaxy, he decided to run a single, I not so politely instructed this madman to return to his crease, he turned (the titanic had a tighter turning circle), and lumbered back, the keeper fumbled it, so adequate time to get back safely, but a lumberer lumbers … and the scorebook recorded the end result.“

No. 10 Goldstein was unable to maintain the momentum, falling clean bowled to the impressive Amit. Rather intimidatingly, he was wearing a Lara shirt and had the strongest and most accurate throw I’ve ever seen in Taverners cricket. If his batting was anywhere near as good as his bowling and fielding, we were going to be in serious trouble and the shirt would’ve been aptly worn.

Even more unfortunately for Goldstein, his dismissal was captured by photographer Gordon!

In a reprise of the beginning of the innings, last man Bennett strode purposefully out to join no. 9 Taylor in the middle. There were only 2 balls left in the innings, but the delusional captain was already entertaining visions of a double-digit innings. Bowler Shane and the low bounce swiftly brought him back to earth, as he was lucky to survive both balls without coming remotely close to putting bat on ball. A strike rate of 0% was a far cry from the 500% or 600% that he had so foolishly dreamt of.

Nonetheless, the Archives had succeeded in piling up an imposing score of 154.

Mohan and Thomas were unknown quantities on the bowling front, and, with big-hitting Matt and the Lara impersonator in their ranks, Wicklow could certainly not be written off.

As Wicklow opened with potentially their two strongest batsmen of Matt and Amit, Captain Bennett decided to face fire with fire and called up Supreeth and Tan to contain them. Would the match be effectively decided within the first 4 overs?

The Wicklow openers started cautiously against accurate pace bowling. Although thankfully not quite as destructive as Lara, Amit was technically proficient and looked dangerously comfortable. Until Tan bowled him with a jaffer in the third over for 3!

But Matt was joined by another solid batsman, Paul, who helped him rebuild the Wicklow innings. Slowly. After the crucial first 4 overs Wicklow were only 11-1, already falling behind the RRR. At the same stage, Dalkey were motoring at 27-1.

Could the first change pair of Shailesh and Thomas keep the thumbscrews on? The heavy responsibility on Matt’s broad shoulders curbed his natural instincts in the face of yet more accurate bowling. Nonetheless, both batsmen proceeded comfortably towards well-earned retirements. But when no. 5 Mudit fell cheaply caught behind off the penultimate ball of Thomas’s second over after Matt’s retirement, Wicklow had only crawled to 36-2 after 8 overs. The RRR had crept up to just under 10 runs/over and the writing was perilously close to a mural appearance.

However, Dalkey was also running out of bowling resources, so Captain Bennett decided that this was a good time to turn to Lappin and Hill.

4 overs later and Wicklow had doubled their score to 72, with no. 5 Ashish leading the charge!

Despite this acceleration, the mathematicians among you will have calculated that the RRR was now north of 10 runs/over.

In the interests of a close finish, Captain Bennett instructed his third change pair of Goldstein and Mohan to give the ball some air, so to speak.

This license was music to the South African leggie’s ears and newcomer Mohan also responded with some generous bowling.

But the Wicklow pair of Ashish and Shane could only plunder 21 runs from those 4 overs, leaving them with a RRR of just over 15 runs/over. Against the death bowling specialists of Captain Bennett and Taylor.

And so the Anglo-Tasmanian duo joined forces for the third time in the match. Not to apply the coup de grâce in ruthless non-Taverners style, but instead to tantalize the opposition with hope.

As an indication of his age, Captain Bennett chose to channel Geoff Miller and John Emburey with some loopy off-spin. Although eminently hittable, the Wicklow pair failed to find the boundary with his first 5 balls. To everyone’s surprise, Shane allowed the final ball to spin marginally through a rather wide gate onto his stumps.

At the other end, old habits were dying hard as Taylor delivered a typically parsimonious over that yielded only 3 runs.

With more than desperate measures now needed, David mistimed a hoik off the first ball of Captain Bennett’s second over to mid-on where Shailesh took a fine juggling catch. All of a sudden, the captain was on a hat-trick! Ignoring the dictates of a close finish, Captain Bennett brought all the fielders in and went for the jugular. Needless to say, he missed spectacularly and Wicklow were left needing 47 runs off Taylor’s final over.

Again, the mathematicians among you will have realized that this is not impossible! A Sobers-esque 6 sixes of 6 balls and a further six and a four off 2 no-balls would’ve given Wicklow victory. However, the hard-nosed Tasmanian was in no mood for charity or miracles, as Wicklow finished on the not unrespectable score of 114.

Both teams retired to the Hibernia for refreshments and speeches. However, the ravenous Tratalos still wanted to execute Plan B and diverted first to the front garden for some fish’n chips washed down with a Wicklow Wolf IPA shandy.

As an even more bizarre example of recursive synchronicity, the Bray Wanderers v Finn Harps match at the Carlisle Grounds just a stone’s throw away was still being shown on the pub’s various TVs as the two teams filed thirstily and hungrily in.

Captain Frank gave Wicklow’s MOTM bottle of wine to Supreeth for some fine batting and bowling, but it could be argued that Tan was equally deserving.

Although Captain Bennett diplomatically refrained from congratulating the losing team on showing up, he couldn't resist spinning a lame joke about the pleasures of coming down to play in Bray. Especially on an evening like this - as he gazed wistfully outside the window at the glorious early summer sunset – when the opposition actually turn up. He conceded that Dalkey were flattered by the margin of the victory, as there had been good bowling and batting by both sides. Indeed, Dalkey barely faced a bad ball. He noted that the only real difference between the two teams was the superior number of boundaries scored by the away team, possibly due to the harder ball used by Wicklow that travelled faster thru the slow outfield. He thus commiserated with the opposition over being the unwitting authors of their own downfall.

After highlighting several fine performances with the bat or ball by Wicklow players, Captain Bennett gave the MOTM bottle of wine to Matt for his outstanding feats with both. As the players began to drift away, the two captains compared heart conditions in a medical tête-à-tête before agreeing to resume amicalities later in the season.

[Written by Nick Bennett]